My Response to the News of Anthony Bourdain & Kate Spade

This week has been a tough one. Celebrities pass away all the time, but the news of two high profile people committing suicide within days of each other has been hard to digest. And I'll be honest - Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade were not two celebrities that I felt a big connection to. But that doesn't make the news of their suicides any easier for me to deal with.

I've always been vocal and open about my struggles with my mental health. If Depression comes up in conversation, I'm not shy about sharing my own personal struggles with the disease. Some people in my life get uncomfortable that I am so open, but I look at it as a way to help others whether it's letting them know that they aren't alone or stepping in at the workplace when I see a manager not being understanding of an employee's struggles. With that said, I'm about to reveal some information that most people in my life DON'T know and I apologize if this is difficult for them to read.

In the Fall of 2015, I committed self-harm. In a moment of MAJOR weakness, I took a handful of pills and put them in my mouth. Within seconds something clicked in my head and I realized what I just did and coughed everything up. Now let me be clear - I never wanted to kill myself. I remember just wanting to escape from everything going on around me and go to sleep for a little while. I guess you could say it was a cry for help. And I got that help - I went back into therapy and back on the anti-depressant that helped me get well the year prior.

Admitting this to my followers, friends on FB, etc. is HARD. I'm embarrassed and ashamed that I did this. I worry that people will look at me differently, think that I am weak or that I am embarrassing my family by telling the world about this tough moment in my life. But I think it's important to let people know that you never know what someone is going through. I'm seeing people all over FB write that money doesn't mean you are immune to having Depression, which is true. However, people also need to realize that the individuals they see on a daily basis might be going through something they have no idea about. I once had a manager tell me to "just smile". This advice was and still is bullshit. People smile all the time and still end up killing themselves. A friend put it perfectly to me this morning by saying smiling "only helps the people around you".

So what do we do? For starters, I think we need to take a break from our own lives and really be there for each other. Ask your friends how they are really doing. If you know someone who is struggling with depression, ask them to tell you about what they are feeling and REALLY listen to them. You may never understand what they are thinking or feeling and that's ok. Just let them know they are not alone. I personally would not be here without my loved ones who were there for me every step of my recovery and my success today is partly because of their never ending support.

I felt like I needed to write this post today because the news of Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade has been difficult to swallow. I thought writing about my feelings would be cathartic for me and it has been.

And to everyone reading this, I want you to know that I'm ok. I'm BETTER than ok! After this "incident" I went on to attend graduate school part time while still working full time. I traveled the world and have amazing friends and family. I have an excellent therapist who I like to call my "Hype Man" - he cheers me on but calls me out on my bullshit when necessary. I graduated with my Master's degree a few weeks ago and have an amazing boyfriend that I love dearly. The possibilities for my future are endless.

xoxo - Kim