Let's Talk About Anxiety...

Greetings from Oslo, Norway! I’m writing this as I currently sit in my hotel room after a long day of skiing and work. I have a lot to tell you all about with these last two trips, but today I wanted to talk about anxiety, so let’s get to it!

Those of you who know me know that I am very open about my struggles with anxiety and depression. In June of 2018 I decided to get off of my anti-depressant and see if I could manage to live life without medication. I flourished without it! I found a new job that I ended up LOVING, made new friends and started dating someone I really liked. I, of course, had my moments of sadness, loneliness, stress, etc., but I managed to work through any tough situations thrown at me without spiraling into a depressive state. All of that money spent on therapy seemed to be paying off - I felt like a whole new person.

And then Christmas Day came - while sitting on the couch at my cousin’s house, a sudden bout of anxiety hit me. That familiar feeling of having a hard time breathing and tightness in my chest came out of no where. At that point I had been in Texas visiting family for a week and I assumed the anxiety was because I was ready to go home.

But then I got home… and while the anxiety felt a little less extreme, it wouldn’t go away and I couldn’t pinpoint where it was coming from. I tried using the skills I learned in therapy - the breathing exercises, working out - nothing was working. I was down to my last anti-anxiety pill and was avoiding going to see my psychiatrist until absolutely necessary. My therapist’s wife was about to have a baby at any moment so I didn’t want to bother him. The thought of doing this on my own was starting to make me panic.

My happy place - the beach!

And then one night I started thinking what this could possibly be from and finally admitted it - I was burnt out. It was hard for me to admit this - honestly the idea of me feeling burnt out right now was silly to me. I wasn’t in school any more and my time outside of work could be spent however I wanted. How could I possibly be burnt out? But I was! I absolutely LOVED my job, but this whole being in charge of HR at a satellite office thing can be STRESSFUL. I’ve been working out 5 days per week and trying to eat healthy and the pressure to be perfect was eating away at me. I was staying at my boyfriend’s place a couple times per week which meant I had to pack clothes and make up and toiletries. Between that and packing gym clothes every day, I felt like I was CONSTANTLY packing a bag. I know that this all sounds like first world problems, but it never felt like I had a moment to sit down and just be. Once I admitted that this anxiety was coming from burn out, I felt better, but I was still exhausted. I found myself being seriously irritable and didn’t like how I was treating the people around me. And then I went to the beach and all of that exhaustion slipped away. The beach is my happy place and it only took a couple of hours sitting in the sand to feel like myself again.

So, what is the point I’m trying to make with all of this rambling? I’m extremely lucky that I get to travel as much as I do, but it’s not all sunshine and rainbows. Sometimes I have a hard time and I guess I wanted people to know that they aren’t alone. Yesterday a former classmate posted on twitter that she had anxiety for no reason. Anxiety can be scary and frustrating even if you do know where it is coming from. Anxiety for what seems like no reason at all can be even scarier and it’s easy to panic and start spiraling into a full on anxiety attack. But anxiety doesn’t come out of thin air - there is always a reason behind it. It is important to stay calm and really reflect on why this is happening. It could be something simple like acknowledging how exhausted you are. Once you figure out the source, then the healing begins. Figure out what makes you happy. It could be something simple like going for walks or to the movies or just simply listening to your favorite song in the car - for me it was a couple hours on the beach. It takes practice and might be something you have to constantly deal with for the rest of your life, but you will get there and know how to cope with anxiety in the future.

And I’m always here to listen :-) - xoxo Kim.